My boyfriend always wants sex and I don’t, can you help?

Putting pressure on a partner to have sex is anything but sexy. More importantly, it’s not ok. Any sort of sexual activity should always be fully consensual. This means that both partners need to be comfortable with what’s going on at all times. Remember that deciding to have sex is your decision and no one else’s. So don’t feel like you have to do anything just to appease someone else. If you’re struggling, our article on how to say no to sex might help.

Why you might not want to have sex

You might be yelling in the mirror everyday ‘Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?’ but the truth is, it’s actually quite a common phenomenon. 

See, our interest in sex varies over time depending on our hormone levels, our health, jobs, stress and other factors. This is especially true for women or anyone who experiences a dramatic change in hormones every month. And it’s even more accurate if you’re in a long term relationship. So sometimes you might just think to yourself ‘I don’t want to have sex with my partner today’ and that’s perfectly normal. 

But what can you do if you find you don’t wanna have sex with your partner, but they’re really really keen? We want you to know that if someone is pressuring you into doing something you’re not comfortable with, you have every right to say no. Your body, your choice. Learn more about sexual consent here.

Good communication will improve your sex life

The key to any good relationship is communication, so it’s good to hear you’re comfortable having conversations with your boyfriend about sex. That’s where a lot of men, women or non-binary people run into relationship issues. We’d say what you’re doing is defo a step in the right direction to help improve the quality of the sex you’re having. Equally, if you’re saying ‘I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend (or partner)’ in your head, don’t be afraid to voice it to them.

The problem might be that he doesn’t understand the need for compromise in a relationship. He probably just thinks it’s his way or the highway. If this is the case, then it’s probably affecting other areas of your relationship as well.

It’s not ok to demand or expect sex from your partner

It’s pretty obvious that his pressurising behaviour is the main reason you’re put off having sex. If you haven’t already, it may be worth having an open and honest conversation with him about his attitude and how it’s affecting you. Like we said before, communication is key. You could also bring up the fact that his behaviour is making you feel increasingly stressed about sex with him generally.

If you’re fairly certain you want to try to salvage the relationship, remember it takes two to tango. This means that your boyfriend will need to be on board. Our article on mismatched sex drives might help you get started.

Talking to your partner, in your case boyfriend, about sex

Although this may sound like it’s the opposite of sexy, you could arrange to have a proper chat about this issue when you both have ample time and won’t be distracted by anything. It’s incredibly important not to have this sort of chat when you’re about to have sex. It’ll almost definitely ruin the moment and make it even more difficult to talk about things later on. For more tips, you can read our article on how to talk to your partner about sex here.

When the time seems like it’s right, tell your boyfriend in a calm and loving way that you understand he has a healthy sex drive but the pressure he puts on you to have sex whenever he wants is making you anxious, tense and less likely to be in the mood. Just a side note – it’s important that this level of stress isn’t prolonged because it might lead to side effects such as medical problems down the road. This includes high blood pressure or sexual dysfunction. For the latter, you might need to see a sex therapist.

Reassure him that you fancy him. Highlight the fact that you not wanting sex all the time isn’t a rejection of him, it’s just about you having other things on your mind or feeling tired. Explain that it would help you feel more relaxed about sex if he could be more patient and gentle in his approach and not take it so personally when you need a night off. It’s also worth remembering that pleasing him sexually doesn’t necessarily mean having sexual intercourse. 

Compromise

If you’re not in the mood for sex yourself there are other things you could do that might cater towards his sexual interests like a hand job. But just like with sex, you should never do this because you feel pressured. Only do it if you’re comfortable and happy doing it. Otherwise, just find something that works for the both of you and come to a compromise. If he seems willing to take what you’ve said on board, then you guys should probably be OK. It might also be an idea to agree to be more communicative with one another going forward.

On the other hand, if he remains defensive and argumentative about things it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to move past this. In which case you’ll need to decide if you’re prepared to put up with things as they are without googling ‘Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?’ everyday or if you’re ready to move on.