Erectile problems with a new girlfriend or partner

Our expert says:

Will my girlfriend dump me for my erection problems?

“I’m going out with an amazing girl and everything about our relationship is great… until we have sex. It starts well enough. Thing is, the moment I try and put a condom on I have erectile problems and lose my boner. Inevitably, this ends up killing the mood completely. My girlfriend’s really understanding about the whole thing. But I know that won’t last. I can tell that it’s becoming frustrating for both of us. Now I’m genuinely worried my erectile problems will eventually ruin our relationship. Is there something wrong with me? What can I do?”

Our expert says:

It’s positive that you and this girl are practising safe sex. That being said, condom-related erectile dysfunction is extremely common. What’s more, once you’ve experienced erectile problems with your new girlfriend or partner the first time you can find yourself trapped in an anxious spiral: you worry you’ll lose your erection, so you get sexual performance anxiety, then you’re more likely to lose your erection – rinse and repeat. Eventually, you truly believe that you can’t get hard with your girlfriend or partner. But we promise, that’s not the case.

With this type of situation, the best thing you can do is take the pressure off yourself. To help, we have some advice on losing your erection with condoms here. In the meantime, you could potentially agree to take a break from sexual intercourse. This’ll give you a minute to get out of your own head. That way when you get back to it, you’ll hopefully have a different mindset. 

Either way, good communication is key here. If you’re able to talk to each other about the fact that you can’t get hard with your girlfriend or partner. Make sure you make it painfully clear to them that this has nothing to do with their sexual desirability. That should help make things easier on your sex life and the relationship as a whole. 

You may also want to chat about other forms of contraception, and getting yourselves STI tested. If you’re both negative then condoms aren’t so necessary which might go a long way to solving your problem. You can learn more about the different types of contraception here.

And if none of this works then it may be time to seek medical advice or attempt sex therapy in order to improve your sexual experience.

What do you think? Do you find condoms a pain? Do you take it personally when your partner can’t maintain an erection? Let us know in the comments below. Remember, everyone’s relationship is different. There’s no right or wrong answer.