After sex etiquette

Wet spots, pillow talk, fighting the urge to sleep, the walk of shame...the after-sex bit can be just as nervewracking as the actual sex part.

Saying 'I've had better' isn't adequate pillow talk.

You’ve just had sex. Hooray! Let us give you a moment to do a celebratory air punch.

All done? Good. Now you can just relax and enjoy the afterglow.

But hang on! Has she just rolled me into the wet spot? And, no way…he’s actually just fallen asleep.

When the sex is over, you’re not out of the emotional battlefield just yet. Here are The Mix’s guidelines for polite post-coital.

The wet patch

In Hollywood movies, post-sex lovers fall asleep in each other’s arms. But, in reality, you’re more likely to yell “SHOTGUN” as you fight to steer clear of the semen splodges on the sheet.

Sex involves fluids. And good sex involves a lot of fluids. That’s all well and good DURING coitus, but after it, suddenly, well, it’s just a bit gross, isn’t it?

Our tip? Keep a pack of tissues on your nightstand, then have a little ‘clean up’ before the cuddling starts. Too late for that? Don’t roll them into the damp patch and laugh hysterically. Instead, why not move the duvet onto the floor for a bit? Just until things have dried out. And please, for the love of everything that is holy, WASH YOUR SHEETS regularly.

Pillow talk

After you’ve swapped bodily fluids with a person, it’s sometimes nice to have a little chat afterwards. In fact, some of the best conversations occur post-orgasm. You’re all relaxed and naked, you’re all bonded from the shagging, what better time to have some hilarious reminiscence about your favourite children’s TV theme tunes, debate the species of Disney’s Goofy (what IS he!?) , or just talk about how good the sex was?

It’s not appropriate, however, to mention any of the following:

• How crap the sex was. Whenever possible, this should be an away-from-the-bedroom conversation.
• Your ex boyfriend or girlfriend. Whatever you’re really thinking, your current partner doesn’t want to feel like they’re in bed with your ex, too.
• “I really should get an STI test.” This should be mentioned before the exchange of fluids, preferably during a conversation about condoms.

Falling asleep after sex

Yes, sex can be tiring. But, men, falling asleep straight after ejaculating into someone isn’t very respectful. Though, biologically at least, you do have an excuse. After coming, a guy goes through something called the refractory period – where his arousal levels drop suddenly, his heartbeat slows right down, and his body is whispering, “Sleep! Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”

Here at The Mix, we recommend fighting the Sandman for as long as you can. Even if it’s just for a few minutes of cuddling and “that was great” and “you’re so beautiful” comments. This counts for women as well as men. Both can be guilty of a post-sex kip. If you’re on the receiving end, well, we guess you should take it as a compliment. Let them have a few minutes rest, then whack them round the head with a pillow and yell “Oi! I want to talk about my feelings.”

The walk of shame

Woken up next to a stranger? Even worse, a stranger you no longer fancy after last night’s J?gerbombs finally wear off? Tempting as it may be to do a runner whilst they’re still asleep, how crap would you feel if that happened to you? Instead, consider waking them up with a cup of tea and double-check you’re both clear it was just a one-night stand.

And now for the walk of shame. Keeping your pride in tact depends on what you were wearing the night before. Going-out clothes can just about go unnoticed in the cold light of day, especially if you have a coat to cover yourself up. But if you pulled in fancy dress, nothing screams “I didn’t sleep in my own bed last night” than walking past the milkman wearing a smurf outfit. Your only option is to brazen it out with a cheeky grin and a swagger.

Don’t cry

Seriously. Don’t. Especially if this is a new relationship. Not even if it was just – sob – so – sniff – beautiful. Your lover won’t think you’re deep and meaningful, they’ll just think you’re an overemotional scary person. Or that they’ve somehow injured you. Save your tears for more socially acceptable occasions, like losing a toenail, or at the end of Gladiator when Russell Crowe starts tripping out and hallucinating his wife and son.