What is demisexuality?

A young volunteer has written this article to share their experience of discovering and understanding their demisexual identity.

Whether you are questioning your own identity or are simply curious to learn more about LGBTQIA+ communities, I’m here to tell you about demisexuality and the asexual spectrum.

What is demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a term that first stemmed from the asexual community. Within the asexual community there are a spectrum of identities. Demisexual meaning only experiencing sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond, is just one part of the spectrum. Asexuals experience little or no sexual attraction. Grayasexuals occasionally experience sexual attraction. 

Most demisexuals don’t experience physical attraction at first sight, sex may not even cross our minds until a close mental connection has been established with a person. 

There is a difference between romantic and sexual attraction! Romantic attraction is the desire to be in a romantic relationship with someone; this could feel like wanting to share yourself emotionally with them, wanting to be close in a non-sexual way, like holding hands or cuddling, or wanting to spend more time with them.

Sexual attraction is the desire to have sexual contact with a certain person. Your romantic and sexual orientation can be different; for example someone could identify as panromantic asexual, or homoromantic demisexual.

Read more about the meaning of asexual.

Myth busting demisexuality

I could debunk so many assumptions about the asexual spectrum, here are some of my favourites: 

Demisexuality is different from celibacy or someone waiting to have sex until they’ve been in a relationship for a certain period of time. It is not a choice; it is a sexuality. 

Common things said to people when they come out as asexual or demisexual: “you’re a late bloomer”, “how can you know if you’ve never tried sex?”, “you just haven’t met the right person yet”. These are all very invalidating and false! Just as someone knows they are straight or gay without having had sex or having met the love of their life, people on the asexual spectrum also know their identity too.

Some demisexuals enjoy casual sex even if they don’t feel sexually attracted to that person. Others choose to only have sex with partners they are emotionally close to. And then there are demisexuals in the middle of these. All of which are totally valid and don’t change whether someone can identify as demisexual or not (same goes for asexuals and grayasexuals).

I speak for probably many other demisexuals when I say we are not blind; we can see when someone is good-looking! Objectively I understand why my friends may call a crush or celebrity hot, but that doesn’t equate to me being physically attracted to them, I simply appreciate them aesthetically. For me to feel attraction or even consider sex with someone, I would need to know them well on a deep emotional level. 

Discovering my sexuality

If I could tell my younger self one thing, I would say, “you are not broken”. 

Up until the age of fourteen I couldn’t understand why I didn’t relate to the things my friends felt for other people. The world of attraction was an unknown to me. The only logical conclusion I could come up with was that people were making things up or exaggerating about how they felt. I decided to ask my best friend at the time what she genuinely felt when she had a “crush” on someone, and she kindly described to me what attraction felt like. My heart sank as I realised I really did not share these physical feelings for others. For a long time I felt like something was wrong with me and it scared me to think about how my lack of attraction would affect my future relationships, because I knew I definitely wanted romantic relationships. 

At the time I wasn’t that aware of the LGBTQIA community, let alone asexuality. I felt lost and isolated until I came across a post on social media about asexuals and demisexuals which led to an epiphany moment. After much research, I knew that I was queeromantic and somewhere on the asexual spectrum. It was not until my first long term relationship two years later that I first felt sexual attraction, which made me realise that I am demisexual. 

Am I demisexual?

My message to anyone questioning if they might be demisexual is:

• You are not alone in this, there is a whole community out there to welcome and support you! 
• Sexuality can be fluid and confusing to figure out; it is totally ok to identify with one label and change your mind later, or not identify at all.
• Feeling sexual attraction and being sexually active is deeply integrated into society from a young age, to the point where it feels like if we are not adhering to this then we aren’t ‘normal’. Being normal is overrated anyway. Embrace your identity with all its quirks and rough edges and take the time to love and accept yourself.

Find a range of information and forums about the asexual spectrum on AVEN.

Read more about demisexuality in The Demisexual Blog.