What does asexual mean?

Asexuality is commonly misunderstood because it falls outside of typical social norms a.k.a, wanting sex. But that’s no excuse for not making an effort to understand the community. We spoke to Michael at AVEN (The Asexual Visibility & Education Network) to find out the answers to basic questions like, what does asexual mean? What is an asexual person? Can you still have a relationship if you’re asexual?

What asexual means

Asexual, meaning to experience no sexual attraction, is a sexual identity. So what is an asexual person? Generally speaking, a person who defines themselves as asexual doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. There are of course different and unique experiences of asexual identity and this guide will talk you through the main differences.

What’s asexual attraction like?

A sexual person might see someone they fancy and think about wanting to sleep with them. Whereas often, someone who is asexual will not experience physical attraction when they look at someone and won’t be turned on by their appearance or their body. But this is extremely general. There’s no single way to define every asexual person’s experience; what asexual means to one person may be different to another.

Can asexual people have relationships?

In terms of romantic relationships –  yes, you can still enjoy romantic relationships when you identify as asexual. You’ll probably experience a romantic attraction and have a lot of mushy, lovey-dovey feelings, and that’ll be the end of it. The sex bit usually gets taken out of the equation. Someone who is asexual may not be bothered by having a relationship either. To find out about a real life experience of an asexual person, read this.

I think I’m asexual but I still get horny…

Do asexuals masturbate? Do you need to have no sex drive at all to be asexual? These are commonly asked questions when it comes to the asexual community, and lucky for you – we have some answers.

People who are asexual may still experience arousal, and some might also enjoy masturbating. The common thread in asexuality is not experiencing sexual attraction to another person, but asexuals can sometimes be stimulated for the physical pleasure of sex, and an asexual person may choose to share a sexual experience with their partner as a consensual gift to them. 

“What it comes down to is that sexuality is not black and white,” says Michael from The Asexual Visibility & Education Network (AVEN). “Some people call themselves grey-asexual or grey-A, meaning they might have a sex drive sometimes, but not often, or only at low intensity.” 

Hopefully, the take away from this conversation will be that there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to be ace (asexual) because there is no one answer for what is an asexual person. If you feel like the label fits you – then you’re ace, regardless of the way you express that. 

Watch our video with Kyle De’Volle to find out more:

What does grey asexual mean?

You may have heard the term ‘grey asexual’ or ‘greysexual.’ As the name suggests, this is a category for people with sexualities that are harder to categorise, i.e. people who find themselves in a grey area between being asexual and sexual, or aromantic and romantic.

There are three main categories of grey asexuality:

• Sex-neutral. People who aren’t repulsed by sex but at the same time, they might not be actively seeking it out. Sex-neutral people may still have sex if, for example, they’re in a relationship and want to please their partner.
• Sex-repulsed. People who identify as sex-repulsed are repulsed by or completely disinterested in the idea of sex.
• Sex-positive. Someone who identifies as asexual, but will still have sex for pleasure.

What does demisexual mean?

Contrary to popular belief, demisexual is actually pretty different from asexual. This is mainly because demisexual people can be of any sexual identity (gay, straight, etc), but they only experience sexual attraction when they have a strong emotional bond with the person. Again, as with the ace community, it’s important to note that demisexual people can experience their sexuality in numerous ways throughout their lifetime.

What’s an asexual person’s approach to dating? Can I date someone with a different sexuality?

The answer is a resounding yes. “The key when dating in relationships where there are different sexualities,” Michael says, “is to be open and honest, and accepting of your partner’s romantic orientations. These relationships can absolutely work, but only if one partner isn’t constantly working change the other into something they aren’t.” 

The same rules apply here as with any type of dating. Communication is key. Your needs are going to be different because you’re unique, and that should be respected. The same can be said for your partner, asexual or not – everyone has their likes and dislikes. A relationship is all about cluing each other into what those are and making sure your partner is happy. 

How do I help others understand my sexuality?

There are a lot of misconceptions around asexuality, and it can be super tiring hearing the same myths again and again. But there are stock phrase responses that you can use to shut any naysayers down quickly. 

“To anyone who says it’s just a phase, a good question is to ask is how are they sure that their heterosexuality isn’t a phase?” Michael says. “Or whatever other orientation they have.” 

Some people might not understand asexuality, and it’s not your job to educate them. You can try if you want to, but try to not feel pressured to explain your own identity. Heterosexual people never have to justify their existence, so why should you?

If you do want to offer information, you can direct them to the AVEN website, where there’s a lot of information and FAQs.  

My friend has come out as asexual, but I don’t get it…

“If a friend identifies this way, the most important thing is let them know that you accept them,” Michael says. “Even if you don’t really understand their sexuality, this is clearly something that’s important to them, and they trust you enough to share it with you – that’s a big deal.” 

It’s ok to not understand someone else’s sexuality. We completely understand that sometimes it can be quite complicated – we are all unique, after all! But it’s important to respect their identity and decision to come out, regardless of your own confusion. Right now they just need your support.

Learn more about gender and sexuality in our content here.