How I coped with biphobia

I go by many names, but call me Didi. I’m currently 21 and openly bi. This article will discuss bisexuality, misconceptions and my own experiences with biphobia.

What is bisexuality?

Traditionally, a bisexual is defined as ‘a person who is sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women, or to more than one sex or gender.’ Over the years, as the evolution of sexual orientation and identity developed, bisexuality has evolved to more than ‘male’ and ‘female’.

Bisexuality is the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people of the same gender and more. As the definition evolves, it’s important to note that bisexuality is not that simple; it’s a diverse group. Some may also identify as pansexual, ambisexual, omnisexual, sexually fluid and so forth. These identities may share similarities with bisexuality but their definitions are completely different. 

What does bisexuality look like?

Bisexuality may look different for everyone; some may be comfortable having romantic and/or sexual relationships with members of whichever gender, and for others, the attraction may be stronger towards one sex but the attraction to both or more is still there.

Some, like myself, may have a steady heterosexual relationship with occasional previous same-sex/different gender-identifying partners. One important common characteristic, however, is that the person is more important than the type of genitalia that they have.

Addressing myths about bisexuality

A common myth about being bisexual is that it involves the traditional gender binary: female and male, but this is nothing but misinformation being spread around. As sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha Dainis Graveris states, “bisexuality does not mean attraction to cis-male and cis-female [people] only.

It could also encompass romantic, emotional, and sexual attractions to non-binary people.” He states that “many people who identify as bisexual are attracted to genders beyond the binary—specifically, attraction to gender like your own and toward genders different from yours.”

This links to another myth about bisexuality; that bisexual people are just greedy, promiscuous, and cannot make up their minds. This is an incredibly harmful stereotype about bisexual people as it assumes that bi people are confused and indecisive when it is not the case.

What is biphobia?

What is biphobia? Biphobia is the dislike, fear and aversion towards bisexuality or people who identify as being bisexual based on prejudices, negative beliefs, perspectives and attitudes. Some biphobia examples include refusing to accept bi identity as well as denying the identity altogether. This also includes mislabelling bisexual people. 

The following phrases lead to another kind of discrimination known as bi-erasure:

• “You’re just confused.”
• “It’s just a phase.”
• “Being bi is transphobic.”
• “You’re not really bi, you’re actually so and so.”

Bi-erasure

Bi-erasure is when you are actively ignoring or removing the existence of bisexuality. This comes in many forms: from stating that it’s not real to assuming that a bisexual person is now gay or straight just because they are in a relationship, eradicating their bi identity in the process. This doesn’t just come from the heterosexual community, it’s also from the LGBTQIA+ community as well.

I’ve addressed several myths about bisexuality, and here are some common stereotypes:

• “Bisexuals are only taking advantage of heterosexual privilege and do not belong in the LGBTQ+ community.”
• “Cis bisexual men or non-binary folks who present as male are just in the closet and are actually gay.”

These harmful stereotypes are not just being said in real life, they are also perpetuated in the media, with several movies and TV shows misrepresenting bisexual people as “confused”, “promiscuous” and/or “greedy”.

Biphobia is still rampant, with TikTok searches of bisexuals showing up with hateful remarks and even hurtful and hateful videos and comment sections about bisexual people.

Growing up with biphobia & bullying

Growing up identifying as bisexual has been incredibly hard for me as I’ve received a lot of harassment from girls, specifically about my sexuality. This started when I confided in a friend about possibly being bi and the next day, I was confronted by a lot of the older kids about being bi. Some would physically and verbally harass me about my sexuality, asking me very inappropriate questions about my preferences.

However, it did not stop there, as I was also sexually harassed, yet condemned for reacting physically. It was nearly every day that I would hear that I was just traumatised from my experiences with men, or that I was going through a phase, or the most common one: “if you’re a lesbo then just say that ” – they did not really understand the nature of bisexuality. The area where I lived was predominantly religious, so I have faced a lot of religious discrimination from several classmates as well.

See our article on coming out to a religious family.

How biphobia affected me

To say that I felt extremely isolated was an understatement. I felt so ashamed of my feelings towards girls that I nearly had anxiety attacks when I found myself having romantic feelings towards a girl. This led me to isolate myself from girls, with the few friendships that I had either dissipating or still going strong to this day.

It was an extremely isolating experience as I felt like I was missing the sisterhood I craved for, but the idea of deserving such a friendship was unbearable for me. I was afraid that I was going to be rejected and ruin the relationships that I had built throughout the years.

How I found support

To this day, I’m still coping with the trauma. However, the support of my friends, CBT therapy and online forums have helped me gain my confidence back as a bisexual woman and embrace my romantic feelings towards girls. Finding other bi+ members who have faced a similar experience such as myself and watching videos of bisexual creators talking about their experiences with biphobia reassured me that I wasn’t alone as well. 

I’ll end this article with this quote by Julia Shaw:

“No matter what your sexual identity, you can be promiscuous or unfaithful or never want to settle down with only one person… or you can be sexually conservative or faithful or want to be married with a white picket fence. The difference, however, is that as a bisexual person you are constantly asked why. Why do you want these things? Why do you have sex with the people you do? How can you know this is what you really want? Are you sure? How can you be sure? What if you change your mind? I dream of a world where people stop asking bisexual people these questions, and instead ask themselves these questions.”

Useful resources on bisexuality

Articles

• Coming out as bisexual during lockdown (The Mix)
• What does coming out as bisexual mean to me? (The Mix)
• What is bisexual? What does it mean to be bisexual? (HealthyPlace)
• What is bisexual? 17 things to know about Sex, attraction, and more (healthline.com)
• Understanding bisexuality (The Trevor Project)
• A short history of the word ‘bisexuality’ (Stonewall)
• The epistemic contract of bisexual erasure (yale.edu)
• You’ve got bisexuality all wrong! Common misconceptions of bisexuality (Rebecca Minor, Gender Specialist)
• What is homophobic, biphobic and transphobic bullying? (stonewall.org.uk)
• Why are mental health issues greater among bisexual people? (Psychology Today)
• How biphobia can negatively impact people’s mental health (lgbtqandall.com)

Videos:

• How to celebrate your bisexuality (The Mix)
• Finding your community as a bisexual person (The Mix)
• Biphobia is a real thing, actually
• ‘Straight passing privilege’ is just biphobia
• DO NOT call me a “BIHET” (biphobia in the community)
• How to deal with biphobia & bisexual erasure
• Internalised biphobia

Organisations/communities:

• Empty Closets
• Bi Survivors Network
• Bisexual Resource Centre
• Stand-bi-me.pdf (Mind)
• MindOut (Mental Health Charity for the LGBTQ+ community)
• GLADD – Bisexual Support
• LGBT Foundation